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Workplace Humor
Spark Office Humor 30
List ID: list-22ae22835e095ba3ba938b876f195e66
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Sep 28, 2026
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
— Elbert Hubbard
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
— Mitch Hedberg
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana.
— Betty White
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
— Mitch Hedberg
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?
— Edgar Bergen
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
— Douglas Adams
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
— Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
— Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
— Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
— Mitch Hedberg
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
— Anonymous
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
— Mitch Hedberg
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
— Dave Barry
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
— Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
— Steven Wright
I'm not an adventurous person. I've only ever used one side of a cheese grater.
— James Acaster
What is it like to have four kids? Imagine you are drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.
— Jim Gaffigan
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
— Drew Carey
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
— Charles Lamb
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
— Lily Tomlin
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
— Jerome K. Jerome
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
— Oscar Wilde
I can resist everything except temptation.
— Oscar Wilde
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
— Groucho Marx
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
— Michael Scott
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
— Steve Martin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
— Jim Carrey
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
— Oscar Wilde